At bedtime, watching the clouds out the window at the end of a very violently stormy day,
Emma: Why are the clouds moving really fast?
Madden: Maybe they have somewhere to sleep.
Emma, irritated: Ugh. Clouds don't sleep.
Me: Stop picking your nose.
Madden: Okay. *puts blanket over head and keeps picking nose*
Me: Madden. Stop picking your nose.
Madden: Okay *hold blanket up to face and keep picking nose*
Emma, outrage: Mom! Madden said Abraham Lincoln's eyes are FAT!
Both singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Emma: ...merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, won't you marry me?
Madden: ...merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life's a butter dream.
Madden: Oww! I was trying to get off the chair but I HURT MY BONE! *proceeds to unravel an entire roll of toilet paper and make a "cast" covering his entire leg using masking tape*
Me: Guys, just clean up your mess in there. I'm gonna watch the news while I eat real quick, to catch up and see what's going on in this crazy world of ours.
Madden, galloping through living room: This world is not a crazy world!
*two days later: Nunes recuses himself from Russia investigation, Pentagon confirms Assad gassed his own people, Gorsuch vote filibustered, Trump drops 50 Tomahawk missiles on Syria*
Madden: If you like being sick a lot are you gonna die?
Me: No. But I don't know anyone who likes being sick...
Madden: You get sick if you eat poop. And that's funny.
The toaster pops up and startles Madden,
Madden: What was that? Your protein shake?
After I give Emma an instruction to do something, probably put something away,
Madden, to Emma: Mother knows best.
Emma: Bingo night ends at 8, not 9.
Me: But the paper says 9? Doesn't matter. We aren't staying the whole time anyway. And if we don't win anything that's okay. We aren't going to win something, we're going to have fun together. Winning isn't always the point in life.
Emma: It's called being happy.
Me: What is?
Emma: The point of life.
*three hours later: Emma cries for 40 minutes straight because she didn't win anything*
Handing me a pile of artwork from his folder,
Madden: Mommy. I made a lot of presentations for you.
Trying to watch Netflix on my phone, which defaults to my profile and not the "kids" profile,
Madden: Mommy, this is the grownup aisle. There's only the grownup movies. Mommy, I need help!